City Boy
by Unassailable Heart
Summary: Jason Todd and Bruce Wayne visit the Kent farm. Things do not go well.


Jason Todd, the boy wonder, stood horrified. He turned to Bruce Wayne, shock apparent on his features.

"Why do you hate me? "

"I'm not doing this because I hate you."

"There have to easier ways to kill me than this."

Bruce shook his head. "You'll be fine, Jason."

"I'll die."

"You won't die. Now come on, let's go let the Kent's know we're here," said Bruce, walking away from the expensive black car towards a farm house.

Jason glared at all the fields and grass and distant animal sounds, then trudged after his mentor.

"Stupid country."

…..

"So young man, are you looking forward to spending the week on a real farm?" Pa Kent asked Jason from across the table.

Jason poked at the food on his plate. "Um, I don't know. I've never left Gotham before."

"He'll enjoy it," Bruce said. "It'll be good for him."

"You also said the being kidnapped built character," complained Jason. "I was stuck in a trunk for six hours before you came and got me!"

"It apparently didn't teach you not to whine," said Bruce, taking a sip of water.

Jason leaned toward him. "There is a _lot_ of grass out here," he said.

"So?"

"So? So what if I'm allergic to grass?"

"Son, people aren't allergic to grass," said Ma Kent.

"What if I'm the first?"

"Jason Peter Todd, you are not allergic to grass, I checked. Now eat your lunch," Bruce said.

Jason gave him a dark look and moodily started eating.

…..

"So, young fellow, your dad said he wanted you to learn a few things while you were here," Pa Kent said, handing Jason a red bucket.

Jason stared at the metal bucket. "Is this bucket about to help me assist Batman and Superman investigate Lexcorp operations in Smallville?"

"No."

"Is it going to help me be a really cool superhero?"

"…No."

Jason handed the bucket back. "I'll pass."

Pa Kent chuckled, and handed Jason the bucket again. "Come on, it'll be good for you!"

Jason tipped his head to the side. "Do I get to drive anywhere?"

Pa Kent sized him up. "Hm. How old are you?"

"Thirteen."

"Well-"

"No driving," said Ma Kent, not bothering to look up from her knitting.

Pa Kent patted Jason on the shoulder. "Sorry son, On High has spoken. Come on, I'll show you where milk comes from."

"I know where milk comes from," scoffed Jason, following Pa Kent out the back door and across the yard, trying to avoid stepping in anything gross. "It comes from the store." _Man at least in the city you know what you're stepping in, it's not all just unidentifiable brown stu-_

"MMOOOOOO!" moaned a large black animal, pushing its head over a fence suddenly, inches from Jason's.

"Holy crap, it'll eat me!" shrieked Jason, dropping the bucket and grabbing Pa Kents arm.

"Son, calm down. That's just a cow. And _that's_ where milk comes from."

"That's a cow? I thought they were smaller." Jason frowned. "From where?"

Pa Kent knelt down. "Well, you see this udder?"

"Other what?"

"No, udder. U-d-d-e-r. Its where ol' sally here keeps her milk."

Jason swallowed. "You mean to say, that milk, like I drink every morning, come from….there?"

Pa Kent nodded.

"How?"

"Well, I'll show you," he said, pushing a stool next to the cow and sitting on it. Then he reached under sally.

"Oh, that's just wrong."

Pa Kent stood. "Your turn, son."

…..

Bruce Wayne sat on the couch, mulling over the information he and Clark had discovered today. Someone sat down next to him. Bruce reached over and ruffled Jason's hair.  
"How was your morning, Jay?"

"I'm a vegan, now," said Jason, and left.

…..

"How's Robin liking the farm?" Clark asked.

"He's not enjoying it as much as I hoped," Bruce said shooing a cat away from him. "He says he's a vegan now."

Clark winced. "Yeah, Pa told me. Did he really not know where milk comes from, though?"

"In an abstract sort of way, yes," said Bruce.

Jason walked through the front door, and stopped in front of Clark.

"The trees," he said.

Clark frowned. "What about them?"

"They're screaming."

Clark blinked. "I'm sorry?"

Bruce got up and placed a hand on Jason's forehead. "You don't feel too warm…"

Jason pushed his hand away. "I'm not sick! The trees really are screaming!"

Clark held up a hand. "Wait, I think I know what he's talking about. Jason, those are cicadas you're hearing."

"Bruce, we need to leave, they name their trees here."

"We do not- come with me, Jason," said Clark, walking out the door.

Bruce shook his head, knowing full well what would happen next. "Three, two, o-"

His countdown was interrupted by a shriek from outside. "Demon bug!"

Jason ran back inside with a speed that rivaled the Flash, into the guest room, where he slammed the door firmly shut.

Clark walked inside, still holding a cicada. "Actually, thinking about it-"

"They're not the most reassuring bug," finished Bruce.

The cicada screamed.

…..

Pa Kent handed Jason a basket. "Alright, yesterday seemed like kind of a lot for you, so we'll start small today. This is the hen house," he said, gesturing at fenced in dirt patch with a small barn type thing in the middle. "We're gonna go inside and collect eggs. Think you can handle that?"

Jason glared at a wandering chicken, who glared right back. "Alright you cluckers, here I come," he said, following Pa Kent inside. "Ew, what did I just step in?"

Pa Kent chuckled. "On a farm, it's better not to know."

"Ewww…."

It was dark and smelly inside the henhouse, and all the chickens started making an alarming amount of noise as soon as they walked in.

"Alright, just reach under the chicken and-"

" _What is that animal doing?"_ shrieked Jason, pointing at a hen nesting on the floor.

Pa Kent blinked. "Well, it's just laid an egg," he said gently.

Jason pressed a hand to his stomach. "It came out of…. And for breakfast I… I don't feel so good."

Pa Kent sighed, and led Jason out of the henhouse. "Jason, why don't you take a walk? Stay in sight of the house, I'll call you at mealtimes."

Jason nodded and walked aimlessly away from the henhouse.

Pa Kent shook his head sadly. "Delicate child."

…..

Bruce Wayne sat in the guest room, on one of two twin beds in there, checking stocks on his laptop.

"Bruce, come here quick!" came a panicked voice from the small bathroom.

Bruce sighed and walked over, knocking on the door and then entering. "What is it, Jason?"

Jason squinted at his reflection in the mirror. "There is something wrong with my face," he said, sitting abruptly down on the edge of the bathtub.

Bruce sat down next to him and touched Jason's chin, turning his head from side to side. "Jason, I don't see anything. You do feel warm, though. How long were you outside?"

Jason pulled away from Bruce's hand. "Um, a bit. Maybe a few hours. All day."

"Did you drink water?"

Jason glared at him. "Milk has betrayed me. I won't let water do that too. Food is _dangerous_ , Bruce. It comes from weird places. At least toast has never traumatized me…"

Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose. "When you showered earlier, did you black out or throw up?"

Jason's eyes got very wide and he leaned back. " _Were you watching me?"_

"I was not watching you! You have heat stroke, Jason. Those are some symptoms. And I heard you get sick. Go drink some water and lie down."

The teen slumped, dropping his head into his hands. "Water won't help cure my smallpox."

"….What?"

Jason glared at his mentor through his fingers. "I've contracted some sort of dangerous farm disease! Probably some sort of pox. Probably fatal."

Bruce sighed again, and took Jason's face and examined it.

"Can we hurry this up? Your hands are really warm."

Bruce dropped his hands. "Jason. You spent a lot of time outside today."

"Yeah, so?"

"And you got a lot of sun."

"Yeah, so?"

"And usually you're pretty pale."

"Yeah, so? What does that have to do with me dying of the pox?"

Bruce took a deep breath, and then slowly let it out. "Jason, you have developed freckles."

Jason scrunched up his face. "Not the pox? "

"No, not the pox, just freckles. You're fine, go lie down."

"Are these freckles too?" Jason asked, pointing to several small brown dots on his arm.

Bruce groaned. "Oh Jason. Come on."

"Where are we going?"

"To borrow the Kent's tweezers."

"Why do we need those?"

"Do you know what ticks are, Jason?"

No."

"Good. Stay very still…"

"Why what are you- _YEEOW_ , WHAT DID YOU JUST PULL OFFA ME?"

"A small blood sucking bug. Come on, three more to go."

Jason groaned. "I wanna go home…"

…..

Bruce Wayne put the last suitcase into the trunk, and shut it.

"That all?" Cark asked.

"Yes."

Clark stuck out a hand for a hand shake. "I really appreciate this, Bruce. Anytime I can return the favor…"

"No metas in Gotham," Bruce said, walking back to the house.

"I thought that was the last suitcase," said Clark.

Bruce came back out of the house, dragging a teenage boy by one leg. "I figured I'd take this one with me. Child services are such a pain."

"No, no, nonononono, you can't make me go outside, it freaky out here, it's like some weird alien planet…."

"Jason, relax, we're going home," said Bruce, dropping Jason in front of the car.

"We are? Oooh, there really is a God."

Clark shook his head. "Good bye, Jason. Bye Bruce. You're welcome back anytime."

Jason curled into a fetal position and made a keening sound.

Bruce nudged him with his foot. "Thanks, Clark, but for Jason's mental health, and mine, I don't think we'll be coming back for a while."

At this statement, Jason latched onto Bruce's leg. "You're my favorite Batman, hands down. Now come on, let's make like babies and head out!"

Bruce rolled his eyes. "Get in the car, Jason."

…..

Jason flicked his fingers in a semi wave as they passed the Smallville sign. "Goodbye, hell!"

Bruce looked at his ward. "Jason, you know we have wilderness training next week, right?"

"Yeah, but it can't possibly be at bad as a _farm_. Right? Bruce? Bruce, why are you laughing? Bruce? Bruce, what?"


End file.
